Why is Loving My Family So Hard?

Accepting Reality With the Serenity Prayer

Unmet Expectations

Have you ever been caught off guard by the changes of living at home again - or even just visiting for a few days? Do you struggle with being patient and kind to your family members when they push your buttons?

Loving our families is often one of the toughest spiritual battlefields God calls us to enter.

When I'm surrounded by young Catholics who are striving to grow in relationship with Jesus, I develop an expectation for how my life is supposed to flow and I can easily take actions of love. But when I go home... that's where my patience and charity is really tested. When faced with the completely different lifestyle of my family, I can despair because it feels disconnected from God or we don't treat each other in a loving way.

One of the toughest things about loving family is the fact that I can't choose them like I can choose friends. There are always those little ways my three older brothers push my buttons. Always bringing up the embarrassing parts of my childhood, treating me like a kid, leaving clothes everywhere, being legitimately rude and mean, reopening old wounds. The list goes on and on.

When I'm at home, there's not much I can change about these externals. Living with others guarantees realities that I might not like.

The most important lesson I've learned in my time in spiritual direction and counseling is that I need to focus on the internals I can change. This means choosing to live in the present and accept life on life's terms. This doesn't mean I give up on sharing my faith life with my family. It means I have realistic expectations so that I can meet people where they are at.

When I think about it, most of the times I am distraught are when I have unmet expectations. I run into disappointment and turmoil when things don't go my way. I'm saddened when I can't connect as deeply with my family about my faith life. I don't want to treat my brothers with love when they aren't as nice to me as my friends. In all of these situations, I'm troubled because I'm comparing them to something else. I'm not accepting them where they are and I'm wishing I were somewhere else.

Finding Serenity Through Acceptance

The most effective way to practice acceptance for me is through the use of the Serenity Prayer and talking my difficulties out with trusted friends.

In the prayer, I ask God to grant me peace and serenity about things I have no control over and courage to change the things I do have control over.

Serenity

Let's say my family can't connect with me about our faith and it makes me feel isolated and disconnected. I know that if I go multiple weeks without a sense of community, I can drift into old, unhealthy habits. Will despairing over the fact that we're in different places in our spiritual journey help change the situation at all? No!

Courage

Instead of isolating myself, I can call friends from my bible study to meet my need for community. Then I can try to connect with my family in ways they are familiar with. Let's go out for a work or dinner and talk about how we've grown since the last time we were together. My family is usually more willing to connect in deep ways than I think. I just need to be patient and have realistic expectations.

If our vacation schedule is packed and there's not specific time for prayer, I can go for a walk to prayerfully ask God for guidance or call a friend. I can't control the fact that my family is in a different place in their spiritual journey. I can control who I reach out to and how I choose to relate to my family.

Knowing the Difference

Then comes the most important part: I ask for the wisdom to know the difference. When interacting with family members, emotions can be heightened quickly because there can be long-established tensions. This makes loving them in the moment very difficult.

I prepare for this by taking time before hand to decide on actions I'll take when I inevitably run into trouble. This way, I don't have to decide right then and there if I can do something. I will already know what I can change.

I know that my brother will be rub me the wrong way when I see him. The data has shown this is more than a 100% possibility. Because I already know that I can't immediately change the way he interacts with people, I expect that and come prepared with actions I can take.

I commit to praying for him immediately before and after seeing him again. I also schedule in weekly times to check in with trusted friends whether or not something goes wrong. If something went wrong, I can healthily vent and receive support. If nothing went wrong, I can check in the good news and connect with a friend anyways.

Loving Our Family is an Ongoing Challenge - But God Will Provide

We are all called to be saints and we are all called to the vocation of love. This means laying down our expectations and learning to meet our families where they are. If it means praying the Serenity Prayer a hundred times under your breath when with your family, then so be it.

Taking the actions of love is a day-by-day choice. All we need to do is ask God for a solution today and follow through with the answer provided. This helps us live in reality and teaches us to run to Our Lord for refuge.

Don't worry about how you'll be patient with your family for the rest of the summer. Pray for guidance in this moment and when you get to the next challenge, pray for that moment. Rinse and repeat and you will learn how to find serenity and accept reality.

What unrealistic expectations do you have for your family?

What actions of control can you prepare to take right now?

If you're feeling disconnected, what is stopping you from reaching out to friends in the community?

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